Desperate

Fear and depression are a scary mix. I don’t think I had been this worried in my entire life. I have tried my ass off to be happy and to not worry about anything. I ride a bike, I run, I write, I read a ton of different books, I meet people and talk to them. Normally it works, talking to people gets me out of worries, but not for too long. I unconsciously start to bring a thing to worry about, it could be money, my future and the long trip I’ve been planning to. Some people I know say depression is just a lame excuse to be lazy, well, what to say, people have different opinions but to me it’s some sort of a bad habit. I know what makes me happy and what makes me unhappy, I’m responsible for myself and I’m the one knowing myself the best. Every night I get lost in deep thinking. It drives me crazy from time to time, I had a very hard time to be out of the massive insomnia some years ago. So, what cured it? An expensive therapy? A person? No, it was a trip. Traveling allows me to feel freedom, happiness and love to meet people. Being home, I don’t go out often, I mean It’s essential to work and in order to work you gotta meet people and talk to them. I extremely feel stressed here, it’s owing to this crooked atmosphere. People like to push everything, if the things don’t go as they want, they blame for the others and vise versa. Hence it’s really hard to stay positive and smile all the time. If you ever smile, you will be asked if you are out of shape.

“If you want something desperately, there’s nothing could stop you.” is my favorite sentence, it encourages me a lot and I feel much more cheerful every time I see this phrase, so even now I’m trying to not think about the money I had in my bank and all the stressful stuff. In stead, I’m trying to see the positive thing only. Let’s see how optimistic I will be soon. God, I can’t wait to leave this place.

All the love,
Felix